My plan B

Do you ever have those moments while sitting in church where you just feel your heart strings being tugged so strongly and you know God had prepared that message just for you? Do you ever have those times when you are overcome with emotions and you can't hold back the tears anymore? Do you ever have those times when God speaks to you so tenderly and with so much love that you just have to share it? Do you ever have a light bulb moment where all of a sudden things make so much sense? I can answer yes to all four of those questions and they all happened at church yesterday morning all at the same time. I didn't show up at church thinking any of that would happen, maybe that's wrong of me. After all, what better place to have God show up in a big way and speak to your heart. Our preacher was talking about Samuel and it was packed full of great truths but what really caught my attention was when he kept referencing a book called "Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?" He showed a video clip which you can click on right here. If you don't watch it, then this blog post probably won't make much sense so please take the time to watch it, it will only take 4 minutes then finish reading this post when you are done.

After watching this video clip, I immediately knew what my Plan B was and it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks all in a matter of seconds. Now this may sound kind of trivial to some, maybe it wasn't necessarily a shattered dream per say but whatever you want to call it my plan B is that I have been called to homeschool our children. Even though I know this is exactly where God wants me to be right now, part of me wishes that my Plan A would have worked out. When I was growing up, I was so excited about becoming a mom. Three kids later, I LOVE being a mom and I find so much joy in raising these three amazing kids along with my husband. As our boys entered the school age, I was excited to send them off to school and see them have a great experience like I did when I was in school. But with two boys who are all boy, very active, not as focused as they should be at times, and both with ADHD tendancies, the public school didn't end up being what I dreamed it would be. We had challenges from day 1 but we worked through each one and then during the 2008-2009 school year when the boys were in 1st and 3rd grade, it became very apparent that our boys were struggling and a change needed to take place with their education. Despite our constant prayers where we would ask God to please help our boys find success at their school, and to make learning easier for our child who struggles with academics, and to help our other child be able to be attentive and focused, God chose to lead us in a direction that I NEVER thought in a million years I would consider. He showed us that homeschooling was the answer to our prayers. Even though this was not MY plan, it was God's plan. Plan B was where He was leading us.

As I sat there in church something triggered a ton of emotion from deep inside of me and I sat there praying to God telling Him how I wished that our kids could have found success in the public school system so that we didn't have to homeschool our children. I told Him how I so desperately wished that learning came easy for my child who has challenges. I told God how I wished that focusing and being attentive would come easy for our boys. And then I asked Him why I couldn't just be mommy because there are days when being their teacher too is so very challenging. I told God how there are days when I wish I could kiss my kids goodbye and send them out the door for school like everyone else in the neighborhood and then welcome them back home 7 hours later. I laid it all out before Jesus. I told Him I was angry and sad and I shared with Him my "this is so not fair" feelings, my "I wish I had more time to myself" selfishness, my "I wish I had boys who found learning easy", and "I wish I didn't have to deal with a child who has academic challenges", and then there was the guilt for feeling all the above, and the burden and stress I feel at times for having to be our children's primary educator when part of me at times just wants to be mommy period. Believe me, I laid it all out to God and didn't leave any of it out.

That's a whole lot of feelings all at the same time! So as I sat at church yesterday I felt like all of a sudden a light bulb went off and everything I was feeling seemed to fit together like a puzzle. An amazing thing happened after I cried out to God and told him all of this, I immediately felt lighter, I felt like a burden was lifted, and I felt as if God was saying, "thank you so much my daughter for sharing with me how you are feeling, I've known it for some time and I am glad you finally cried out to me, remember your burden doesn't have to be your burden, let me take it and remember I LOVE YOU so much daughter and I love your children who I made in my image and I will give you the strength you need to be a homeschooling mom because this is right where I want you." The tears started flowing at this point as I realized that plan B is right where God has chosen to plant me for a season. I don't know how long this season will be, I get overwhelmed even thinking about it and that's why I just have to take it one school year at a time and then go beyond that and take it one school day at a time. Sometimes there is so much to be said with just telling it like it is, getting it out, and speaking the truth. And that's exactly what happened to me yesterday!

Well, that's my plan B, what's yours? How is God working in you through your Plan B? Can you see God in it? What emotions come with it? Please share, it sure feels good to get things out!