I think this might just be my favorite picture of my daughter and I, it completely melts my heart. It speaks so much to me. The look of peace on her face, the contentment, the cuddling close to me, arms wrapped tight around me. I just love it all. But let me share more.
Our day wasn't all full of giggles. In fact, this sweet little muffin and I had a really hard day leading up to our special date night of going to dinner and the Nutracker. We were just "off" this day, not getting along, tempers were flaring, and let me tell you she knows what buttons to push when things aren't going her way or when she is in trouble, which she was most of the day. I know, can you believe this sweet little face of hers was in trouble! For those who have adopted, you might be able to relate to what I'm about to say a little more than others. Even though Annagrace was adopted at 5 months of age, she still had her world completely rattled when she left her country of birth, her foster mom who took such good care of her for 5 months, the sights, the smells, all of it turned upside down in the matter of one airplane trip across the ocean. Getting off the airplane she was placed into the arms of this loving mommy and daddy who were deeply in love with her already but we had never met. Placed in my arms for that first time was AMAZING, BREATHTAKING, JOYFUL, and LIFE CHANGING, but for her I can't even imagine what it must have been like arriving to new smells and sights where everyone talks different, looks different, smells different, that had to have been scary and so confusing. Just to side track for a minute, I believe God gave me a divine appointment with son #2 when he was 5 months old. I was rocking him early in the morning after feeding him and I began to think about adoption. Adoption wasn't even on my radar at the time so I know this was a divine appointment from the Lord because as I rocked him I remember thinking how I couldn't imagine giving up a precious baby let alone send him overseas to another country when he was already bonded with me as his caregiver, and familiar with all his surroundings, it just broke my heart even thinking about it. I remember thinking about what that would do to a baby. I'm so thankful God gave me that moment because it was fresh on my mind the morning we went to meet our daughter for the first time.
I say all this because you don't go through something like this, even at 5 months old, without being effected in some way by it. Although Annagrace is deeply in love with me as her mommy, and Michael as her daddy, she is fearful and insecure that I might leave her too. She understands she has a birth mom who birthed her and then wasn't able to keep her, she understands she had a foster mom named Mrs. Lee who took wonderful care of her while we were waiting to adopt her. So as she traveled to America at 5 months of age she had not only lost her birth mom, but her caretaker as well that she had had since birth. That's two big losses in the life of a little girl and given the bright and intelligent mind she has, it makes sense that she fears loosing me too. Being 5 years old and feeling these big emotions at times can come out in different ways and they often come out at the most inconvenient times like when we have something bigged planned to do together.
so back to the day of our date, Anna was just having a rough day and her way of dealing with it was by trying to make me feel bad. So when she got in trouble, she would say that she didn't want to go on our date and she wasn't going to wear the cute dress, new tights, and sparkly new red shoes I bought for her. There are times when I handle things appropriately as a mom and there are times when I don't. Let's just say, I didn't make the best mommy decisions on this day. I allowed her comments to peirce my heart and take a hold of me and in return, I acted pretty nasty right back at her. Not so much with my words, but by having some passive behavior towards her which is just as hurtful to her. Anytime I distance myself like that, it makes her grow more insecure. So at my breaking point, I went into my bedroom and got on my knees and prayed. I prayed and pleaded that both of our attitudes would change and that we would be blessed with a happy night together.
After I prayed, I could feel the atmosphere change and I felt so light hearted and refreshed. Anna then walked into my room and announced that she was ready to put on her dress and her pretty new tights and shoes. God had not only changed my attitude, but hers too. So we got dressed...
spun around, and took the pictures you see in this post.
So now you can see why picture number one means so much to me. And to top it off, as we were driving home after the Nutracker I told Anna how I was so proud of her that she changed her attitude and went on to have such a good night. Her response melted my heart again, she simply said; "I couldn't have done it without you mom."
Wow, we have come along way. Sometimes it takes a few steps back to step forward leaps and bounds. I'm even more in love with this sweet little girl than I was just a few days ago. I am so blessed and so thankful to be her mommy. God is so good!
